This blog was written by Samyuktha Gopi Raj, who you can also find on instagram at inspire.art28
The Silent Burden of Secrets
The hardest part for all of us with trichotillomania (hair-pulling disorder) or other body-focused repetitive behaviors (BFRBs) is not the pulling—its the cover-up. We don helmets of deception on our heads with wigs, cosmetics, and hairdos. We steer clear of mirrors, avoid swimming pools, cancel social plans, and conceal our problems under a shroud of secrecy, a family shame.
But as HabitAware co-founder Aneela has said, "secrets make us sick." When we hide, shame gets bigger. Shame generates stress, and stress drives the cycle of pulling. The secret is heavier than the behavior itself.
This is a fact that doesn't apply only to trich—it applies to all BFRBs. And here's the best news: the moment we begin to open up, we begin to heal.
Why Hiding Hurts
Secrecy reinforces the narrative that you're the "only one." For children and adolescents, the secret is just too overwhelming—what if the friends learn? What if parents don't understand? For adults, decades of secrecy can become second nature, but also completely exhausting.
The consequences of secrecy are real:
Shame grows. Every hidden balding spot is a hiss of "you're flawed."
Loneliness worsens. You avoid social activities, relationships, or events.
Triggers worsen. Stress and secrecy fuel the very urges we’re trying to suppress.
Help is delayed. Without speaking up, it’s hard to access resources, therapy, or community.
It’s not surprising that secrecy often leads to anxiety, depression, and feelings of hopelessness. The act of hiding is its own burden.
Breaking the Cycle
So where do we begin to break the cycle of shame? The HabitAware community sees three pillars: acceptance, awareness, and openness.
1. Acceptance
Acceptance is not defeat. It's acknowledging that trich is real, that you didn't create it, and that it is not a measure of your worth. Acceptance pulls the teeth out of shame. It changes "I'm broken" into "I'm dealing with something real."
2. Awareness
Much of hair-pulling happens in moments of autopilot—watching TV, scrolling on the phone, sitting in class. Tools like HabitAware’s Keen2 bracelet help bring unconscious pulling into awareness, vibrating gently to remind you: hey, you’re doing the motion again. That moment of awareness creates space for choice—maybe taking a breath, stretching, or holding a fidget instead.
3. Openness
Sharing your struggle—whether with a parent, a partner, a friend, or an online group—can de-stigmatize the experience. Saying to someone, "This is what I'm dealing with" breaks secrecy's grip. You discover you are not alone. Someone else sees you, and shame begins to melt away. Here's HabitAware's guide for 5 things to prepare for when telling a loved one you have Trich.
Why Sharing Works
Why is sharing so effective? Anthropologist Dr. Bridget Bradley applies two words to describe it: biosociality and biosolidarity.
Biosociality is discovering the others who have the same illness. Now, your lone experience becomes labeled and categorized. You're thinking: it's not only me.
Biosolidarity goes one step further. It's when those cohorts start to look out for one another, struggle for visibility, and trade healing mechanisms.
When you educate someone, when you connect in a support group, or when you hear a story of another puller, you're practicing biosociality. When you use that connection to comfort, inform, and advocate for, you're creating biosolidarity.
That's why forums on the web, HabitAware groups, and even a productive discussion with someone you trust can be revolutionary. They transform the confusion from an isolating struggle into a shared human struggle.
The Courage to Share
It goes without saying that telling someone isn't always simple. You may be afraid of being judged or rejected. But many find that their fears don't materialize—friends and family might react with empathy, interest, or a sense of relief at last getting it.
And even though the first time is tough, with every share, it becomes a little bit easier for the next. Aneela reminds us in the HabitAware community: "Your story could be the lifeline someone else is searching for."
Healing Together
At HabitAware, we've seen it time and time again: when shame is interrupted by openness, change begins. Awareness tools like the Keen2 smart bracelet break the cycle. Alternative strategies—stretching, journaling, deep breathing—offer alternatives. But it's the sharing that is most of relief.
Because when we share, we move from hiding in shame to standing together in solidarity. We realize that we don't have to walk this path alone.
Conclusion
Secrecy isolates us. Sharing connects us. Awareness empowers us.
Trichotillomania may not vanish overnight, but the moment you stop hiding, the healing starts. Remember: secrets make us sick—but openness helps us heal.
💡 Your challenge today: Tell one trusted person. Send a message, make a call, or even share a HabitAware blog post that resonates with you. That small act might just be the first step toward freedom. If that feels like too much, write down what you'd like to tell someone. Do what you want with the paper - hide it, burn it, save it for later, but practice getting out the words.
References
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Bradley, B. (2021). From biosociality to biosolidarity: the looping effects of finding and forming social networks for body-focused repetitive behaviours. Sociology of Health & Illness, 43(3), 698–714. Available via University of St Andrews Research Repository
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Bradley, B. (2016). Anthropological perspectives on trichotillomania and other body-focused repetitive behaviours. Ethnographic Encounters, 6(1), 1–14.
Header image by Kristina Flour on Unsplash
