This blog was written by HabitAware Peer Coach Gessie, who leads our Kid & Teen Hangouts. Gessie works professionally as a caregiver for children with developmental disabilities. In 2019, she started her “Trichster Sisters” program, in which she sends care packages to young girls with Trichotillomania and acts as a mentor to them.
Parenting a child with a body-focused repetitive behavior (BFRB) like hair pulling, skin picking, or nail biting has unique challenges that differ from parenting a child without a BFRB.
I developed Trichotillomania at the age of 11, and growing up was hard, particularly my teenage years. My parents often felt at a loss as to how to help me, and my mom has admitted to me later on that she knows now that she didn't always do the right thing. Now, at 26 years old, I am a passionate advocate and work as a peer coach for HabitAware, facilitating kid and teen hangouts. I am dedicated to giving back to youth so they don't feel alone like I did, as well as being a source of support for parents.
Based on the knowledge I've gathered from talking with about 30 different kids and teens in the HabitAware Hangouts hangouts, as well as my own experience growing up with trichotillomania for over 15 years, here is a compilation of 5 different ways parents can help their child with a BFRB.
1. Ask your child what they need from you
The consensus from many of the kids in the hangouts is that they feel like their parents just don't “get it.” I get the feeling that their parents do want to help, but it often doesn't translate and the kids get frustrated. It can appear as lots of conversations about how important it is to stop hair pulling, skin picking or nail biting, but your child already knows that it's important. Or sometimes, what a parent can think is a "helpful eye" reads more to their child as an intrusive observer. Every child is different, so each one will have different things that may work for them, and it may even differ depending on the situation. Do they want space and to be left alone? Or do they want some company and a welcome distraction? Simply asking your child what they need from you in that moment can go a long way.
2. Alert them of their behavior in a subtle way
Many kids (including myself growing up) don't want it pointed out at all when they are engaging in their BFRBs. They would rather it just be ignored. Others may actually want to be made aware, but under the right circumstances. As a parent, there are ways to make your child aware, without shaming or embarrassing them. Yelling “STOP!” or swatting their hands away will only make them feel worse. Instead, you can alert them in a subtle manner, such as a hand signal that only the two of you know. One Kid Hangout attendee came up with a silly “code word” for their parents to say whenever he was pulling. Another way for your child to be discreetly notified is with the Keen2 awareness bracelet. It will quietly vibrate every time your child does their behavior, giving your child the power of awareness that the BFRB trance takes away.
3. Distraction and redirection
In addition to a hand signal or code word, or if your child is the type that doesn't want any extra attention brought up at all, it is still possible to redirect them when they engage in their BFRB, but in indirect ways by “distracting” them with something else. You can offer them a fidget toy, suggest going for a walk together, or doing another hands-on activity together like cooking. This is actually a key part in Trichotillomania treatment; redirection.
4. Love your child unconditionally
Growing up, I had the most beautiful thick curly hair. I was known for that and people used to tell me they envied me. When I later started losing my hair as a teenager, my mom was devastated. She has since told me that she felt like she was losing a part of me when I had lost my hair. Remember that your child is still your same child no matter what they look like. As hard as it may be, don't point it out when you notice your child developing a new bald spot or scars on their skin. My mom has also told me that she used to feel helpless that she couldn't do more as a parent to help me. But the truth is that the best thing you can do for your child is to simply love them unconditionally. Affirm to your child that you love them no matter what and will always be there for them.
5. Sign them up for a kid or teen hangout!
As a parent, you can do everything in your power to help your child as best you can. But unless you also have a BFRB yourself, there will always be aspects of it you may never understand. HabitAware’s virtual hangouts for kids ages 7-12, and for teens ages 13-17, give your child a chance to meet others just like them who “get it.” Hangouts provide youth an opportunity to gain support and understanding from peers, ask questions of an adult who has grown up with BFRBs, but above all allow kids and teens to just be themselves in a safe and fun space.
Header photo by Eye for Ebony
